WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
