now i know why i became what i already was.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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