I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
