shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
