i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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