Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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