dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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