Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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