But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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