yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
