i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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