My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
