Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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