I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
