in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
please don't ironically join a cult
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