Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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