so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
