I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Girls should come with a carfax report
he was CRYING into my vagina
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
