They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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