Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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