I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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