His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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