yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
