Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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