An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
