He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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