she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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