Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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