I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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