Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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