How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
