Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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