I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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