areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
