I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
