some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
