I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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