I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
