what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
