my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
