It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
