lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
