what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
