i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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