Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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