Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
