My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
