Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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