Tell her she can't have a vagina
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
