if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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