Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
