Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
