Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
