i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
