alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
