At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
