When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
