How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize