Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
