Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
