The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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