Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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