I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
