This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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