CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So vagazzling was a success
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
